By Mara Pattison-Sowden
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“I didn’t realise that this was control, because I was so used to living it.”
YEARS of torment from tusive husband caused “Sarah” to snap.
She had been stuck in an abusive relationship for 12 years, but it took one instant for her to realise she had to get out.
Moving to the Yarra Ranges was his final step in isolating her from her family and any social networks she had created in the city.
“It’s been almost a year since I left him, but I knew if I didn’t go something would die in me,” she said.
Sarah has made massive changes for her children, gone back to study and has a lot of support these days, but she said it took a long time to get to where she is now.
Her relationship began very quickly, at a young age. She had met a man who was charming and supportive, and they moved in together within two weeks of meeting.
“We were going out and being seen together and looking fabulous but there wasn’t much else,” she said.
“He started breaking things, throwing things – never at me, but I would tidy up afterwards.”
She had a rocky relationship with her own family, and he was supportive in blaming the family for Sarah’s troubles. He tried to pull her away from them, dividing them against each other.
She was on the verge of leaving until she fell pregnant. Sarah thought a baby might help save the relationship; he assured her every day he would help look after the baby and help her around the house. But he would just sit and tell her what to do, what needed to be done.
“His support came when he could see people around me but otherwise he had no time for us,” she said.
They moved house several times, something she realised afterwards entrenched her isolation.
“I realised he was taking me away from the social networks I was creating,” she said.
“He didn’t like strong women. He would question why I wasn’t making friends and then when I did, he’d say they were terrible people.”
He always made out to have good intentions, she said, but they would often fall in a heap. He had many health problems and she spent a lot of time looking after him, too. She would feel bad asking for a new item of clothing once a year, but he was spending hundreds of dollars on his hobbies without question. When her car broke down, rather than suggesting they repair it, he suggested they travel together to save money, where he was able to keep even more of an eye on her.
And when they weren’t together he was in constant contact, becoming angry if she didn’t answer her phone. His calls were so frequent that it would come down to him telling her to put the kettle on because he was just around the corner.
“I didn’t realise that this was control, because I was so used to living it,” she said.
“He would get angry, yell and scream – it was terrifying.”
Sarah said: “The energy of it would go right through me but I had to stand there so the kids could get away from his shouting.”
“I would take the blame for things to calm him down but there were times I felt like I deserved it.”
She said she became completely lost after a while, telling herself she had made her bed and had to lie in it.
“I would repeat over and over ‘I don’t exist … I don’t exist … I don’t exist’,” she said.
“I just didn’t know how to get out, and he could see that.”
Sarah said after moving to the Yarra Ranges she became depressed.
“For two months up here I was extraordinarily depressed, which he loved,” she said.
One of her children looked at her one day, and said, “Why don’t we just leave him?”
“I thought the same, but I didn’t know how I could do it – I had no empowerment and was completely lost. It was ‘better the devil you know’.”
“I couldn’t work out how to survive emotionally, or financially,” she said.
“I didn’t exist without the kids and him.”
For 12 years Sarah had lost her identity, but a reawakening caused her to start pulling away, and one day she just snapped.
“That’s when I knew I needed to get out. I didn’t tell him but I started to get help,” she said.
Sarah looks back at the relationship now and sees where her life was run by the next drama, the next complication.
“There was no consistency except for the abuse – that’s been constant.”
She said she still had a lot of work to do within herself and was still shocked at having somebody talk straight about her experience.
“Yes, he was manipulating and using me, it was all about power and control, and yes I would try to minimise the behaviour by saying it was my fault,” she said.
“People saw me as a single mother – I still am, but I’m much better now.”
-The victim’s name has been changed to protect her identity.
